


Never Had

by poedameronstories



Category: Never Had
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 07:22:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17638337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poedameronstories/pseuds/poedameronstories
Summary: Reader and Poe Dameron grew up the best of friends. Will he remember her now that he’s a big deal in the Resistance?





	Never Had

> **I’ve been gone for so long now chasing everything that’s new  
>  **
> 
> **I have forgotten how I got here but I’ve not forgotten you**

The mere sight of him was enough to make your heart ache with some weird mix of love and nostalgia.

The others had fled the old rebel base on Crait to meet up with the group you were assigned to in the Outer Rim. The actual rendezvous point was the next planet over, but it was close enough that it didn’t take them long to get to your station. It didn’t give you any time to prepare.

There had been debriefings and special meetings called, especially given the abrupt absence of General Organa, someone everyone looked up to and relied on for strength and guidance.

Now they were all that was left of the main group, all crowded in the conference room with the regular crew. Now, Poe Dameron would take General Organa’s place whether he wanted to or not and lead the rest of you for the remainder of the war.

Poe had certainly grown up. Gone was the bright-eyed boy you used to know. He was a war-torn veteran now, with the scars and dark under-eyes to prove it.

You wondered briefly if the war had taken a similar toll on you, besides general aging. This area hadn’t seen that much action besides a few space pirates and smuggler fights here and there, so you doubted it. You trained new pilots to send off to the main fleet. There was nothing to wake you up in terror in the middle of the night, thankfully, at least not yet, besides dreams of what Poe might have been going through on his side of the galaxy.

 _Him_ , on the other hand…

As he stood there talking to some of the other officers, you could hardly believe how much you had missed even the sight of him.

Your first instinct was to go to him and wrap your arms around him like when you were kids, but you weren’t about to overstep any boundaries. He was your superior officer now, one you had to maintain a working relationship with.

Not that he noticed you in a crowd this size, anyway, but you wanted him to. You desperately wanted him to glance over, to turn suddenly with his focus on you and then move in your direction. You wanted…well, it didn’t matter what you wanted.

For all you knew, things had changed for him dramatically with regard to his friendship with you. He had new friends, ones that could relate to him at this time in his life. That’s what happened when you went years without being in contact with someone.

Still, he was already legendary at a young age, and he deserved every accolade he received. He deserved respect and admiration, even if it was from a distance.

Poe Dameron was a real-life hero, the same kind the two of you pretended to be back home on Yavin 4 all those years ago. You were happy for him, beyond thrilled that someone so deserving had finally found his place.

> **We were just children but our eyes opened and you were all that I could see**
> 
> **You came close enough to know my heartbeat but still not close enough for me**

 The way the two of you met was a story you didn’t tell people very often. It’s not that you didn’t appreciate meeting Poe, but the circumstances were sort of sad.

Your need for adventure always led you to the jungles of Yavin 4, running alongside the woolamanders and climbing to the same heights as the whisper birds. The Massassi trees helped you take cover from the imaginary Imperial officers on your tail.

That’s why, at age seven, when you suddenly tripped and fell over to your knees with a loud ‘ _oof!_ ’ on terrain you knew quite well, you were miffed at first. You turned around on the ground, expecting to see newly fallen debris or maybe an animal you hadn’t noticed.

Instead, you locked eyes with a boy who had dark, curly hair and warm brown eyes who couldn’t be that much older than you. He held a hand out.  

“I’m sorry,” he said sincerely, his voice a little scratchy. “Here, let me help you.”

You swatted his hand away, standing up on your own and brushing off your clothes. “It’s your fault I fell in the first place. Who are you? Why are you here kneeling in the brush?”

He frowned a little. “I’m Poe. I came out here to be alone. If you’re all right, then I’m gonna go.”

“I’m Y/N,” you informed him. “I came out here to track.” You noticed then that his eyes were a little red-rimmed, so you took a step closer. “Why were you crying?”

“I wasn’t! I mean, I -it’s not your business,” he retorted, turning on his heel and taking off in the opposite direction.

Your eyes widened, and the realization that this could be your first real tracking adventure hit you as you took off after him. You followed behind as quietly as you could, ducking each time he looked over his shoulder, until you watched him stop in a clearing. There was a ranch house nearby, so that was probably where he lived.

Poe turned around and faced the edge of the trees, spotting you almost immediately. His eyes narrowed.

“Why are you following me?”

There was no point on hiding anymore, so you moved out of the brush and walked over to him, your eyes locked on his.

“You’re sad,” you said softly. Your heart was starting to squeeze in your chest. “Why?”

“I’m not.” His voice wavered, though, and he looked away again, glancing at the fields of koyo melon beside you.

He didn’t expect you to throw your arms around him and trap him in a big hug.

It took a minute or two, but eventually he returned your embrace, and in the smallest whisper you’d ever heard from anyone, he explained himself.

_“My mom died.”_

You hugged him a little harder.

> **Through the good times and the bad**
> 
> **You were the best I never had**
> 
> **The only chance I wish I had to take**

From childhood through the cusp of adulthood, you and Poe were practically inseparable. You traded in your jungle adventures with the woolamanders and whisper birds to go flying with Poe, first in his mother Shara’s old A-wing and then in a second-hand ship of your own, half-rebuilt in what little spare time you and Poe had from school. He taught you some tricks and pushed you to be a better pilot, and in return you taught him that it was okay to rely on others sometimes. You both made each other better people.

You heard all the chatter from your classmates about your friendship with Poe, but it wasn’t like _that_. Poe never saw you like _that_.

There were a few guys interested in you here and there, but none of them seemed to make it to the dating stage. Either they assumed you were with Poe, or they were too intimidated by him to try.

That had been weird.

Poe had lots of attention from the other girls around, though, and even went on a date or two. Mostly he was focused on going to a fancy flight academy he’d heard about on the holonet.

Kes wasn’t too sure about it at first, but he said Poe had too much of his mother’s spirit in him and he didn’t want to hold Poe back. The next day, Poe’s future was sealed.

Since Poe was a year older than you, that meant he got to head out for the academy first. The day before he left was one of the saddest of your life. This time, you were the one fighting off the tears while your eyes turned red, and he was the one to notice.

He took you in his arms and gave you a big hug just like the one you’d given him ten years earlier. Instead of pulling away, he lingered a bit, held you a little tighter. When you buried your face in his shoulder, he promised that the two of you would see each other again, someday.

It was then, during that long embrace, that you realized that you were in love with your best friend and had been for a while. Still, you kept your mouth shut and wished him well. You silently prayed to the Force to keep him safe, and for him to have someone to hug him tightly anytime he needed it.

Poe left in the middle of the night with a packed bag and your heart in his hand.  

> **There was no writing on the wall**
> 
> **No warning signs to follow**
> 
> **I know now, and I just can’t forget**
> 
> **You’re the best I never had**

Even when it was your turn to graduate, you never made it to that fancy flight academy. First your father passed away in an accident, then your mother not six months later from an unknown illness. There was nothing left for you at home, so you turned your sights to the growing darkness of the First Order.

There were rumors spreading about a group that had splintered from the New Republic and was gaining ground. It was called the Resistance, and you couldn’t think of anywhere else you wanted to be.

You went to Poe’s father, Kes, and asked him to use his contacts from wartime to get you a recruiter meeting. You also made him promise not to pass word along to anyone, which he didn’t seem happy about, but he agreed anyway for your sake.

The Resistance was more than happy to have you. They were in need of skilled pilots, having lost a lot of them in skirmishes with a much more powerful First Order.

There was too much work to be done to focus on anything other than the mission most days. In your meager spare time, you helped train pilots, using the skills you learned both from experience and from your own great teacher.

But those nights…some of those nights, especially when you were away from base or the fleet, when you let yourself remember…

You could practically see those familiar, warm brown eyes staring back at you when you rested your head wherever you could find a somewhat comfortable spot.

Those are the nights when you let yourself drown in memories of Poe Dameron, when you let your imagination run wild with _what_ - _ifs_ and _maybes_. Sometimes your subconscious would continue the story in your dreams, and you’d wake up feeling even lonelier for the best friend you ever had.

> **In this motel well past midnight when I’m bluer than a bruise**
> 
> **You come drifting in through the half-light in your funny yellow shoes**
> 
> **I hope that’s you standing at my doorway, and that’s the scratching of your key**
> 
> **I hope this song I’m singing someday finds you wherever you may be**

You didn’t stick around the conference room for long, choosing instead to slip out and head back to your quarters.  Tomorrow was going to be a busy day and you weren’t sure how long anyone would stay at the outpost since it didn’t exactly accommodate all the new people.

It was probably time to find a new base somewhere, and you were sure that intelligence was hard at work looking over star maps and scanning trade routes.

In the meantime, you were determined to get lots of sleep. It was a precious commodity that was hard to come by when you were on the move, so you figured you’d get your fill now.

You had just settled down on your cot for the night when a knock sounded on your door. It was probably Jessika, your bunkmate, coming back from a recon mission to check out supply lines.

“It’s open, Jess,” you called out, shifting the blanket over your body a little higher.

The door slid open, and you heard footsteps quietly enter. That told you right away it wasn’t Jessika, since she practically stomped wherever she went in her too-big standard-issue boots.

You cracked one eye open, spying an unfamiliar pair of boots at the side of your cot. When you opened the other eye, you realized you were staring up at Poe Dameron himself.

“Hey,” he said softly, giving you a big smile. “Been a while.”

As if on autopilot, you threw your blanket off and moved to stand in front of him, your eyes drifting all over his face and features, even that fluffy curly hair of his, as if you needed reassurance that he was actually here in your room.

“How’d you find me?”

He nodded at the door. “Pava told me where you were.”

She’d been on his squadron during the run at Starkiller…you had somehow completely forgotten that little detail.

“I wasn’t expecting you,” you breathed out, wringing your hands together. “You’re a big shot now.”

“I’m just me,” Poe chuckled, shaking his head. “You really think I wouldn’t have time for my best friend?”

He opened his arms wide, and you sunk into his embrace like no time had passed at all.

> **Through the good times and the bad**
> 
> **You were the best I never had**
> 
> **The only chance I wish I had to take**

“I heard about you and your Rapier Squadron,” you told him, pulling back to look into the eyes you’d missed so much over the years. “The day you left them, everyone here was completely ecstatic. Heard you pulled some pretty big stunts since, too.”

He gave you a lopsided smile. “Would you expect anything less?”

You let your arms drop to your sides and shook your head. “Never. I was worried about you, though, especially after word got out about you and Ren-”

“Let’s not talk about him,” Poe suggested, moving to take a seat on your cot and motioning for you to join him. “Let’s talk about you.”

“Not much to talk about, I’m afraid.” You shrugged a shoulder, sitting cross-legged on your bed to face him, though you kept your eyes locked on the rebel patch on his jacket. “I never went to flight school. I’ve been in various outposts for the Resistance this whole time, training pilots.”

“I know.”

You glanced up in surprise.

“My dad isn’t really one for keeping secrets,” he explained. “I went to see him not long before Jakku, and when I told him about the danger I was facing, well…I guess he got a little worried for me.”

You weren’t sure what to say, so you stayed silent, eyes locked on his.

“He told me I needed to make my peace before I left, just in case, and that included letting the people I cared about know just how much I loved them,” Poe continued. “Besides him, the only other one that came to mind was you, Y/N.”

“I thought you forgot about me,” you confessed, moving so your feet were back on the floor. You turned your head to look at him. “But I didn’t resent it, Poe. I knew how busy you were.”

“I didn’t forget about you, Y/N,” he breathed, his eyes scanning your features as if memorizing them all over again. “Trust me.”

“I didn’t forget about you, either.”

Poe’s eyes locked on yours again. “Every time I had a new pilot sent to me, I could tell they learned from you.”

That made you smile. “I tried to help them be the best, but that slot was already filled by you, so I just made sure they didn’t make things worse for you instead.”

“I appreciate that.” He ran a hand down his face, growing more serious. “I’ve been through a lot in the last couple of days, with Crait and the fleet…and the general…”

“I’m sorry.” You weren’t really sure what else to say. Aside from your brief recruitment meeting, you hadn’t really had much contact with General Organa.

“I realized that the most important thing is family. My dad, obviously, but my friends here, too.” He gestured toward the closed door.

“Oh,” you said meekly, nodding. “That makes sense.”

Poe scooted closer then, his dark eyes searching yours. “And you, Y/N. You’re family. You’re important to me.”

Your mouth felt dry. “I- I think of you the same way, Poe.”

“Do you?” he asked, the corner of his mouth lifting. “I’m not so sure. You look pretty uncomfortable.”

> **There was no writing on the wall**
> 
> **No warning signs to follow**
> 
> **I know now, and I just can’t forget**
> 
> **You’re the best I never had**

Good to know he still didn’t mince words.

“You’re the boss now,” you pointed out, watching as he casually moved even closer until you were hip to hip. The contact sent a chill down your spine. “I’m just a captain. There’s protocol, etiquette, rules to be followed around you, and-“

“And you sound like Threepio,” he interjected, rolling his eyes. “Look. Right now, it’s just you and me, Y/N, okay? Old friends catching up.”

>   **You’re the best I never had**

 “Old friends,” you echoed, noticing for the first time that his eyes had little laugh lines around them. Those weren’t there before, and neither was the scar on his cheek. Now that you thought about it, his jawline had-

“Y/N?”

Your eyes flickered up to his. “Yes?”

“When I was with Ren…” He paused and swallowed hard, glancing away before meeting your eyes again.

“You don’t have to talk about it,” you told him, lifting a hand instinctively to cup his cheek, something you’d been dying to do the second you laid eyes on him. It was new territory, but it felt natural.

He placed a hand on your shoulder, letting it slide to your neck as his fingers gently caressed your skin. “When I was with Ren, all I could think about was how I might never see you again. You kept me going in the worst moments.”

You didn’t understand. “Poe…”

“I love you,” he blurted out. “You’re not just an old friend to me, Y/N. I should have told you before I left. I’ve always loved you. I think I’ve been in love with you since the second you fell over me in the jungle.”

That made you smile, even as tears stung your eyes again. “I’ve been in love with you since then, too, even though I’m pretty sure you technically tripped me.”

Poe stared back at you. There was no laughter in his eyes, nothing but determination and need. Your own smile fell from your lips as you wondered what he was thinking.

“Can I kiss you?” His voice was soft, almost timid.

“Yes,” you whispered, your heartbeat drumming in your chest.

Poe leaned over then, and you tilted your head up ever-so-slightly. You kept one hand on his cheek, letting your other hand slide up to run your fingers through his soft, curly hair. His warm breath fanned over your lips as he closed the distance between you.

When his rough, chapped lips found yours for the first time, it felt like you were home after a long trip away. You knew you’d never felt anything better.

Well…at least until later that night.


End file.
